Saturday 23 March 2013

Feelings.

Dear diary,
He's probably the most confusing person I've ever met. Maybe that's why I want him more, he keeps me interested. I need him more and more everyday I sometimes get so angry with his late texts and just every time I wanted to get angry he replied. It's like he's doing it on purpose as he can see what's in my mind. Just weird but I can never get angry of him. I tried my hardest not to be annoying with his late texts and just the time I reply I couldn't get my temper up it gets down right away. Is like a cure to get my temper. I love this guy but I don't know how to show it. I feel weird telling him all my stuff. I feel weird when he's trying to tell me something and I don't get it. I feel weird when he's doing stuff in public. I feel like I don't get myself and him too. I thought I do but now I don't think so. I feel like I'm annoying him with the speed I reply him. I feel like I'm nothing to him. I feel like he's wasting time on me. I feel like he deserves better.
It's been more than two months and we hasn't gone on a date for almost a month now. I miss the dates. I miss our talks. I miss having each other around when we are awake. I feel miserable. I feel weird. I feel annoyed with myself.
I'm weird.

J.

Sunday 17 March 2013

Worries.

Dear diary,
I'm sorry I'm here again when I'm suppose to be with my bed but I'm worry.
We did it again my Friday it was a little too intense and next day Carmen realize he's in my room and bruises on my neck. The kisses he kissed, the bruises he left all got to be seen by the mum. And just within a night things changed. How I wish no one knows just like how we started the relationship where things are a little simpler. So mum knows and until today bro knows. The family basically knows but their reaction is not what I expected. From mum, "why did you get together is it because you wanted a boyfriend?" ; from William, "you disgusted me you both disgusted me," from Carmen, "is good to hav a boyfriend but having James as yours is just weird and very disgusting." . Just like that these comments let me think a little. Maybe we are disgusting maybe we are not suitable for each other mayb we are just not as good as we thought we would be, within two weeks and so many people know about us and I'm really annoyed about it. Especially when the fam knows. I cannot imagine when his family knows about it. The comment might just be I'm disgusted by you two. Why. It's weird.
I never tell any of these to him cause I know he will be worry about It more than me. If I didn't ask him to sleep with me in Friday night. Things would be so much easier just wish time could turn back and let me re do thing. I hate myself now. I feel sad, just fucked like the old days where fam are not standing by my side like they normally do. Just maybe I should give up or mayb not taking any risk. I hate my life.

Wednesday 13 March 2013

Two months.

Dear diary,
It's been two months. We've got together for two months today. I texted him and he replied just like what we usually do. But two months shouldn't something happen somehow? Let me talk for a bit... Uni start at 8 and I finished at 9. How great and waited for them to give blood together around 11ish. Gave blood for like two hours I guess cz of the waiting. I saw him and we've no special reactions maybe cause everyone is there like R Dur and Selina but how I wish he can just hug me tight as I follow to hug him tighter. It didn't happen. Nothing actually happened. So I waited for Selina to do the blood test then she left to library and I not to find the group. It's funny how I lost the old *besties* and now I'm with the boyfriends group. Is not a bad thing maybe. Anyway, so after meeting them I decided to stay until 2 for Murf but the actual reason is I thought he would do something. Yet nothing happened... We sat next to each other no holding hands just sit and talk. I'm not sure is he tired or what but I felt like... I felt like I'm annoying him this week. He might b tired from the long days(I told myself that) from uni. Just maybe we've been meeting up so often we might be sick of each other.
One thing I realized throughout this two months is I fall for him more and more but I'm not sure about him. He means a lot to me now and mayb I didn't show it but hey I hope he knows. I feel bad for him... Having me as his girlfriend might not be a good combination. I'm not pretty, not smart, not skinny, not cheesy... I only know how to dream big but no effort is being put out. I'm eighteen and i don't know what I'm like.
Please let this me an over thinking post. Wouldn't want anything bad happen between us just cause I love him more than you can imagine now.
Bless me.

J.

Saturday 2 March 2013

attempting.

dear diary,
here I am again and hey I'm feeling so tired not in tired tired but actually feeling tired from doing too much stuff. As I mentioned last night, we had a party with the same good o people. Before party went to karaoke with them... for the first time. w/ steven, danny, arthur, the twins, Christina, dylan, paul and boyfriend. It was actually average but party was awesme. drank heaps with Julie and Kevin joining us after. I should say this party is not as crazy but I enjoyed it. Catherine was drunk and Paul was stoned and Steven was on high. This is just so attempting to watch. Took care of her in study room with paul him and Julie. we were just helpless but at least we were there for her. after awhile we got tired and she finally settled.
Get to the point, we cuddled yes without anything to be cared. from study room to my room. We cuddled and cuddled and there it happens. He kissed and I bit his lips and I smiled everytime i bite him. that feeling is just melting. I love this guy and I assume he loves me back? Well, then we got to the point where our body is not listening to our heard. Just like John Green's "Looking For Alaska"... theres no layer between us after awhile. I felt his everything so close to me and we kissed again and again. The neck kissing to my chest and there we go the bottom attempt. from 4 layers to 3 and to no layers I touched his body he grabbed mine and just like we've tried it before. I was tired after the first half hour and I thought we were going to end just like that but that guy just couldnt stop and it continues for quite long. From top to the bottom. O boy, never thought he would do these stuff but it was good. I felt good about it although i got bruises everywhere and I think he was hard and he hit me hard. just above my vagina it hurts when i touched it. I dont know how it happens but after all the dry sex was <3 i loved it but I dont think he did. that kiss was awful I dont know how to kiss really. I suck at this and if theres a chance I will not even move and let him do the job.
we will hav a better night.
thanks diary.

J.