Thursday 31 January 2013

back in town.

dear diary,

It's been so long since I came by and tell you what I've been through. I'm back in the old town and I feel weird coming back. I felt like coming back into a place where I dont belong. Felt unwelcomed and I really do hate coming back to Malaysia as I see how many friends the sis has and compare to mine I'm just like nothing. I should say I'm always no one's friend. Frankly, I just feel unwanted every single time I see how many friends she has. Couldn't even find a person to talk about it and I mean I really want to share it but things arent just what you wanted to be. Well, it's been 3 days and now I'm still home taking care of grandma. Finger crossing for her and just wish she could be better. How I wish the boy will be here and cuddle with him. I really want to go back earlier to settle all the uni stuff and also just leave this place. A place where memories are being collected no matter how bad or good was it. An accompanied by an instrument mayb? now I wish I can have a ukulele just to let me relax a little or a book to let me waste my time on. Staying home with this weather just no no no... there's no where to go. there's nothing to do and I just wish mayb someone would care about me. I dont want to just stick with the sis and her friends. Someone please maybe come out and just talk a little? I miss home. I miss when I've nothing to think and nothing to be worried about. I wish I'm still in collage at least i get some test and works to work on. I miss home. I miss both home in some way but not in this condition.

Just maybe you can understand me.

J.

Friday 18 January 2013

The first date.

The first date

After the Saturday night. Finally things gone better than what I thought we would be. So I was suppose to go to strawberry picking with the sisters n bros but gotta work so decided to cancel it. I told him at the same time and he asked me out cz he had a cafe interview in the morning at Takapuna. I said yes and I took a bus to there. It was awkward at first I guess...
Then we had breakfast together, Starbucks and walked by the long as beach with the Doc on me and his jeans on. We were just chilling and just catching up like how best friends do although we text almost everyday. ;D while we were watching back he was trying to pull me down to the beach but I refuse and just like that we hold hands. It was pretty sweet I reckon. :) then walked to the bench we sat and chill and listen to the nature... Waves, birds and people. We just sat and relax with him beside me. For probably an hour then we walked to the other edge of the beach with rocks everywhere. Then there we go with the adventure experience walked out to the tip and found a wet stone to sat in. Inward as literally laying on his lap throughout. It was so comfortable and I loved it. ;3 we sat and chill again for almost 2hours then we took a bus home. He dropped off from the same bus from me and he walked me home. From Landsberg to the park behind. The walk was short but I was glad somehow I wish it won't end. Anyway, got to the park I was sitting down the slide and he was behind me. It was just like I want to cuddle with him 24/7. We sat and talked again it was just so sweet and I didn't want it to end at all but time ticks. Just like that got to 10 to 5 which mean I've got to work. Just at that moment he said I wish you could stay until 9 now. I was melted inside and of cz I didn't tell him about it. Heheeeeee. I'm actually happy that I've got him and he cares so much. :) I love the girlfriend and he's always mine. <3

It wasn't planned but it went well as for my first date of my life. ;)

J.

Sunday 13 January 2013

the girl with blue hair he said.

:)

dont just guess from the appearance.

just last night at almost the same time. Got back from gym for the first time went for a shower we talked. not like on phone just messaging and I told him Im gonna stayed up late for Selina's 18th wish and we carry on with our convo just like normal. He came out a question out of a sudden. It was about relationship stuff..
He started with Bea and while he was talking about her I'm not like upset, at that moment I felt like i dont even want to care but I did. Well sort of reply him with sarcasm. Then he came out this question about how many guy have you felt for so far and I answered then he asked what about just here? At that moment I just say what my heart and brain told me. 1 and 1 unsure so 2 I guess. Then he asked about Owen I told him the whole story and it was just so long that I dont even want to remember but he's not the one who I'm unsure of. Question back to him and he answered, 2.5? I was actually shocked cause from my memory he had fell for more girls than just 2. Where's the .5 came from? He's like he used to like her back then but for some reason he's not into her anymore. Then I was like what about now did you guys talk or anything.
At that moment I thought that girl was lucky and maybe she actually meant a lot to him? Cause according to him, shes a girl who means a lot to him. I did not ask who is she 'cause I'm afraid of knowing the truth. and I was wondering why he didnt take any move just ask does she like you back or not. He replied with heaps of stuff. not that I can remember he still did not mention the name. Just right there I told him to ask her and if you didnt ask you will never know.
just after I say it he said
"She's the girl with blue hair."

I smiled a little and shocked. Didnt expect this will actually happen just within this short conversation but I love it in some way. :) he said I'm the .5 and the one Im unsure off was him. We almost fell for each other at the same time I guess. The night before my birthday. The long talk we had, the movie night we watched and just everything about me and him. I am glad he told me or else I might just be here spending everyday and night waiting his reply on the texts and being a jelly for him talking to the girls.

However, right now I actually dont know what are we. We said good night last night and this morning we're like nothing happened? well that's just how I felt. should I ask him what are we right now or just carry on. I'm scare that I will lose him just cause he means everything to me.

J.

Friday 4 January 2013

satisfaction.

3rd day of 2013.
get dad to the airport as he's now leaving us again going back and working like a boss back in Msia. I can never understand him just mayb he's been working so many years he cant stop working for a sec (true workaholic I guess). After that went to NewMarket to get mum's present since her 51st is coming up like real soon. Got her a pair of Birkenstock and hopefully she will likes it and not being picky for once. :x Dinner at bbay shops were still closed and realize how people are trying to wok their ass off on the other days of new year. later at night...

So James asked me to join the horror marathon and I said yes with Steven and Eric. I was late as always cz of some little shit. anyway! gone to his at around 930 and i felt so bad cz they were there an hour earlier. got there and YES! first movie was The Last Exorcist. :D is what I always wanted to watch but watching with a bunch of guys is totally opposite of what I thought, -(screaming like a girl, hiding behind the blanket, covering their ears and talking through it). However, without those little sound effect they made the whole movie would b so much scarier than what I watched. After that we gone off to "The Nightmares on Elm Street" from the bromance three. James sat next to me this time apparently is cz his phone is charging. I dont know why I've a feeling that he wanted to sit next to me on purpose but I cant think of any reason other than he wants to stop the bromance between them cz they've been sitting together. From "The Nightmares on Elm Street" to "Saw - Final Chapter", to "The Uninvited" and last to "Mirror". We've been sitting on the coach together, under the same blanket and skin to skin. I just feel be loved at some point but part of me was just no. He's a brother, he's a best friend, he will never like you and he will not be yours at the end. This is kinda depressed but it's the truth. After the last movie we were all getting to sleep. Eric got his own space. dumbo Steven got his 3 seater coach. James sat with me and sleeping next to each other, it made me thought of the night before my birthday. We just slept together and nothing to care about after horror. I was planning to chill for a little but we were all just too tired to make a conversation keep going especially when after the question I answered after the new year party, -

"Would you say yes if James asks you to be his girlfriend?"

I dont get why did I say "YES" at the first place. I really dont know how does he feels after getting the answer from me. I knew he wouldnt be mine in someway, I knew our relationship is like family as we have discussed before. Just sometimes, i really thought he could b mine for a day or two or mayb till the day we die. O god, let me give up a little run away from the truth. After last night/this morning, there is this moment where I was awake and lied next to him with my head near him but my hands on his shoulder. I felt like hes awake and he thought Im asleep... He put his head on top of mine let my head put on top of his shoulder with my hands. Just that moment thought we could actually be together like that. Sitting next to each other, be quite, thinking of nothing like the time does not matter and just stay there. The thing is, time. It always ticks away just at that moment my phone rang sis called gotta get the car to service and I left without saying good bye. Just like that my moment ended.
Im satisfied with the night as I thought it would be awkward and stuff but nope I find it interesting with him. and seeing steven flew and Eric shouted like a boss. heheeeeeeeeee.
ciao.


emotions and thoughts kill.



J.