think.

got back from the family vacation down south.
it was such a long road trip that I still cant remember anything I've actually done. other than looking at the photos I took throughout the trip nothing actually click a little. Anyway, this trip has been almost 11 days and it was really tiring. Gone on plane, car, cruise, boat, taxi, helicopter, sky dive and bungy. I guess my 2012 is totally compete. last Sunday of 2012 and Im home thinking what happened throughout the year.
Been through the ups and downs just too much to b remembered.
After all, one thing I actually realize is just that i dont really have any friends. Maybe is true of what the family has been telling me about. It is kinda sad but it's true. The friends I have just arent my friend at all. Looking at the friendlist I create I found no one and that's fine. I always think just someday there will be someone appreciate me to b in their real friend friendlist no just me thinking and just me thinks 'you' are my friend.
just maybe I wish there a magic to find where true friend is hidden.

J.

The warmth he gives. :)

Sometimes, things will b impossible even tho you wish it could b possible.
29th of Nov, prepare for the last high school party! ;) realize how many friends I really do have. The answer is less than the ones I invited. O well... James, Murphy, Julie,Selina , Frances, jacqueline and idk... Friends are easy to find but true friends are hard to define. Drank like as classy bitch and I'm sober as hell. ;3 Selina was the first who got wasted and threw up like there's no tomorrow; Amanda scond but worse by throwing up all over the guess room and the everything in there is just a mess. Lucky there's Steven Boon. ; Kevin got wasted but sober guess that's how a china kids rules. ;)
So around probably like 7 things settled from the drunk kids and finally for all the others for rest and a normal sleep. Julie, me, Murphy, Dylan, James, Paul, Selina, clement, jacqueline... All squeeze into study room and try an sleep by playing just the plain music which William always loves. ;)
Fell asleep on the sofa bed sleeping beside Julie with my feet getting warmth from James legs. This might b weird when it puts in words but at some point I really hope I can cuddle with him. As in my feet are always cold and using the thin as blanket to cover my body is never enough when I've got my short shorts on. In other words, as in I've got my body on top of the sofa bed but feet down to James to lying next to Paul and trying to get some sleep. The warmth between his legs is so comfortable. Just that moment I wish he's mine and will stay and listen to me with everything. However, reality is different we've known each other for too long and from family friend to best friend and if something more than best friend it will ruin it if something happen next. I'm not sure am I feeling what am I suppose to feel or I'm just feeling sad when people have someone else to care n be with.
Mayb this is just a time things messed up in your mind and make you realize the truth is always cruel.

Nights of being a 18 kids.

Getting older n older and I realize how my life has changed just within a night. From the 6th to 7th of Nov. from that innocent look to this now speechless emotions. As if like life is unexpected... So... From the 6th over night at James' until the 11th at home, on my bed... I realize how much I care about every single person in my life. I should say the brothers I have. James has some problem with Beatrix not too sure about the detail but just glad it goes well but a part of me really wonders does Beat really likes him or just randomly going into people's life n mess things up. Just cause of worries I wonder am I jealous or just care too much for him. There are doubts.
About William, I don't know how to say he's just keeping too much things within himself. Like I know there's something wrong with her gf but can't help. He never share which is kinda weird. Somehow I wish I can read mind so at least I know what are people thinking of so I might b able to help? Maybe? Probably? :x

Last night of being a 17kids.

Turning 18 in less than 3 hours and I'm in Bubble Tea House studying stats with SumYee. Can't believe I'm turning to a legal age at this stage. Didn't expect time really flies that fast I mean I don't even know what I've been through. Uni next year and graduate in 4 years hopefully then off to work. Oh well, life is just unexpected.

About life...

Sometimes, life sucks. People walk and stay then they leave without telling u the reason even they do the reason is just a crap excuse. Well, life is not always perfect and being depressing alone at home will not make any difference so yea I stood up and move on.
School ball is coming up in two days and I am going with nic, Selina, Kristy and Serena. I should b somehow happy but a feeling pull me back as they said that they didn't want to come overnight. I'm fine but somehow disappointed as she promised but broke it after. Ugh. This is what u call best friend... I'm not asking her back and I don't want to. Is not like I have to please her to join us with the after ball ... No comment and I'm trying to b care free...

有人吗？

看着不一样的连续剧，羡慕着不一样的爱情，期望着爱的到来。我每天都在想为什么我会没人爱我是不是都比别人多一些？ 笨多一些，肥多一些，丑多一些，总之都比别人多那一些些。 我多两个月就快18了。可是连一个男朋友都没有过我是的确想被爱，想有人会在意，有人会早晚send一封message just to say morning and hey.
可是人都看外表，人都是现实的，没有人会像在连续剧里一样！故事都是虚假的。:'(

J.

Friends aren't always as good as you thought they would me.

Well, the title of the post says it all.
Things been happening, first is Selina then now is Her, a friend who I once thought she was more than what I expected to have throughout my whole life. She left and pass on the shits and go on to a friend who I've no comment about but from China. I'm not being racist or whatever shits. Just saying that Natasha is just being such a dog behind her. Zzj is just annoys sometimes but the thing is I never hates her. I can't find a point to hates her but now both of them are just like magnet. Not try to be mean but the truth I see is both of them are just like dog with its owner. *no offense* Besides, I'm not jealous that they are close (well,a bit actually) but at the end I still don't think my 2years friendship with Natasha will lose to a 6months old friend. In reality I've lost my confident. A friend that you think she will stays as long as you would; will not always do / think the same.

I do wonder, what's the point of meet new people when no one bothers to make effort to stay as long as you wish they will...
Things and thoughts are just pointless.

J.

I wish...

Ugh, another day of studying for coming mocks exam which is on next Thursday and arthistory basically took over my life. O well, heard stuff from James and he's found his partner for the coming prom. And yes i wish someone will.at least ask me. I actually wonder am i really that bad in everything. I should say I am not bad but just not good enough, maybe? Ughhh, lifes a borr without some problems i guess.

I wonder am really that not good enough for stuff like this? Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough and not good enough to do anything. I mean in horoscope the ones who are scorpio get to get a boyfriend/girlfriend but im like the only one who is alone by myself every single year, month and day. I just dont get it am i really that bad? :'(

Enough of saying...
Pray.

J.

27th of August,

The 4th/5th day I lose her...
Selina Cheng...
One of my close friend in nz i shall say and no i dont hav much friend like any other people but I just need close friend instead of just lots of friends. People often say close/best friend wont live you alone and yet she left just because of the little argument she had with ZZJ/N/N. Well, I cant blame anyone it was me that bring it up and i just karma comes around. In my heart I didnt want to lose this friend in fact I lost her and we never talk like how we used to and never react to people like how we used to. we are never more than stranger. Guess our friendship just ended like that without saying anything special but because of a person who comes along and messes us up.
I will keep it in mind, things should not mess up the one it happen unless you are the one who brought it up. I hav got more than enough now I will just shut and  stay at where I am suppose to be and no comment. friends is jst someone who comes around and leave.

I see the diffrence.

there I was tumblring and I saw this.
Personally, I think it is true... I see the differences between myself and the people around me.

A lesson in psychology.

Try to see all these in real life, and a good example on one of that is your own self.

• When a person laugh too much even on stupid things, that person is sad deep inside.
• When a person sleeps a lot, that person is lonely.
• When a person talk less, or he/she talks fast, that person keeps secrets.
• When a person can’t cry, that person is weak.
• When a person eats in abnormal way, that person is is tension.
• When a person cry on little things, that person is innocent and soft-hearted.
• When a person gets angry on silly things, that person is in love.

Whats the point.

Well. Tuesday n for me is like a day without a friend at the first half. I shall say. Hmm, Here it goes....
Got to school, feeling weird abt her with what she has done n yes it is annoying to see when she is close with her enemy. She can get the Golden Glode Award like really. In a way she acts to every effing ppl arnd me.like ntg has been happening. Acted like ntg has ever happen.  In a way i really think shes a bitch bt somehow shes a good friend. Im not sure which way yo keep. I mean i really dont wanna.lose a best friend like what i have done before..
Regrets happen but forgiveness come before it.

Guess this is the time.

Well, here comes the problem.
Friends, i do have them but best friends are who you cant always see.
o well, things been happening i mean this is not my fault at all.
I shall say it. Natasha was the one who should be responsible with it and I dont think being angry is a bad reaction to this matter. Asking people to my place without asking me, telling them to my place at the middle of the night and not telling me about it. These are craps. I mean is rude to do these shits. never apologies for it and showing me that fck face is not a best friend should react.
having pms is ur fcking excuse. like so you're the only one on earth would hav pms.
i mean like really. this is not how best friends should react.
Well, i forgive you without your apologies and today you showing me those crap fcked up face is not what i can stand. I wasnt born to please you dirty little bitch, please. if tomorrow you're still the same of showing me that fck face n rude manner im gonna treat you the same way as you do.
THE END.

"I'm at a stage where things get messed up just because of the little bullshit."

tell me about it.

I know I should not be depress about it but these thoughts are killing me a way.
Well, term 3 started and tomorrow is week 3... Prom will be held in this term, as you know prom is like the must go thing in high school. It's important in my opinion. Anyway, Selina txted me and I heard about Arthur asked her to be her partner well, she rejected. Jacq has two people who asked her, she wonders. Well, is not like I'm keen but is just that I really think a partner is necessary at this kind of event... most importantly is that this is the last year for high school. 
to be honest, i really hope someone will ask me to go to the prom with him...

Just like what Shally mentioned the other night... "This is your high school, you should be having a boyfriend and someone to be together with not with us." Well, that's true but no guys will like a girl who is fat, dumb, ugly and with single eye lids. no one will want to have someone who is that imperfect. I mean it is okay to be imperfect but sometimes what you accept is not what other people will accept. they wont accept who you are even though you're being who you are suppose to be.

the society tells the truth and we are the ones who make decision on what we want to believe in.



J.

Term 3 starts.

Well, the title said it all.
the 16th of July and term 3 started.

First thing got into photography class, a response from Mr.B was in 8 weeks time you should have at least 2 boards done. at that moment i really wanted to die. I mean i started my photo shoot but those photos werent what ive expected i mean i need something more strong and interesting to look to. I need camera on me every moment so I can capture what i wanted. but no. Im too fcking lazy to even move and carry my camera.
it sucks and i tell u is never too late to start working out and get your motivation ready.

It's time to get it on. Got into every class and every single teacher told me the same thing... is term 3 the term where everyone is a mess and no one can have a break. week 9 is mocks and fml. i dont think i've learned anything from the las ttwo terms.
I need revision.
I need more time.
I need motivation most importantly.




J.

this is just life.

A life is where you live and be who you really are. No one was born to please someone else. I mean I get it at some point people walk into your life and leave like nothing has ever happened. Wearing a mask to live up a life sucks. That's pretty much of a life.

I've been living in this world for almost 18 years now and yes. often people ask dont you want somebody to be around u like your family and friends. In fact, sometimes i just wish there's this someone who will be around me and stay. Telling everyone im not desperate is a lie. I am... i need a guy who i can cuddle with and talk to and mayb to be with. 

I am not pretty, am lazy, am not skinny like any other girls out there and am not jst some girls who seek attention. I am who I am and I've been carrying a baggage around with masks in it. Now i really want to live up my life and be who I really am. 

Hopefully, everything is fine.

J.